Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers

"A Twit's Ransom"

Written by Candy Courtnier - Email forwarded thru Gadget Archive

Characters herein are © Walt Disney corporation. Distribute freely, but do not modify.

A parody by me. No offense to anybody, okay?

Note that this parody is more enjoyable if you remember the formula:
sorry, reflex = he's so cute.

"A Twit's Ransom"

A castle in Scotland, on a comic page far away.

Exterior shot of a tower.

Voice (through window:) But you can't be alive!

Inside, Chip, Gadget, and Monty are clustered around a one-eyed mouse (no, no, 
this one has a red shirt,) who brandishes a rapier. There is a thick purple
tapestry off to the side.

Mouse: No, I'm dead but rigor mortis hasn't set in yet. Now stay back!

He points his sword at Gadget. It is micrometers from her and looks like it's
going to skewer somewhere especially painful.

Monty: That's no way to treat a lady, Ransom!

Ransom: Well, then, that leaves me out of people to point it at, doesn't it?

Monty makes that frustrated eeeerg-g-g-h noise peculiar to Jim Cummings
and he and Chip rush Ransom. Ransom grabs Gadget by the arm and yanks her
over to him, then slashes a strip off the tapestry. It lands a full foot to
the right of Monty and Chip. Ransom, surprised, gasps, then quickly whaps
them on the heads with the rapier at the last moment. Monty and Chip
keel over. Ransom turns to Gadget.

Ransom: And this is how I treat a lady.

Ransom puts his lips on her cheek. The instant he contacts, Gadget's
fist collides with his nose, knocking his head around 120 degrees.
Ransom blinks surprisedly, facing near-backwards.

Gadget: Sorry. Reflex.

Chip (recovering:) Don't you dare harm our friend!

Ransom (tearfully realigning his head:) Wouldn't dream of it.

Monty jumps on Ransom for good measure.

Ransom: You can get off me now. You have my word, I won't be any trouble!

Chip: Oh, yeah? Why are you in this tower? We heard it had been abandoned.

Ransom: Nosy little chap, aren't you?

Monty (getting up:) No, 'ee's Chip. Chap's conveniently elsewhere.

Ransom: Whatever. Before I say anything, why are you here?

Chip: We're trying to solve a mystery.

Ransom: Jinkies.

The Rangers shudder deeply.

Chip: Don't make those passing comparisons.

Gadget: The local orphanage is being closed and we're trying to stop it.

Ransom: The orphanage? Oh, that piddly little place. I wouldn't bother...

Chip: This is going nowhere. We'll get the others and keep looking for the
Ghastly Goat of Quiver Moor.

Ransom: The Ghastly Goat of Quiver Moor? Oh, that crusty old legend.
I wouldn't try...

Chip: Let's go, guys. Maybe Carl's in the castle.

Ransom: Carl? Oh, Lord Nevermore's horribly generic dog. I wouldn't trust-

Monty: Look, will you put a sock innit so we can leave the room?!

Ransom: I'll go with you. I'm a swell bloke. I'll even help you find the
orphanage's money.

Gadget: Why do you suddenly have an accent?

Ransom (darkly:) I have my reasons. (brightening) It's settled then. I'll go
and keep all of you from getting yourselves killed. (cozies up to Gadget)
Won't that be fun, my little haggis?

Gadget serves him a right hook with astonishing speed. Ransom teeters and
falls to the floor.

Gadget: Sorry. Reflex.

The group goes to the small hiding place where Dale was tending Zipper.
Zipper is still asleep.

Gadget: Zipper's fine, but where's Dale?

The door opens and a pot walks in.

Dale: Boy, these old castles are dark and hollow.

Gadget: Don't say it, Chip.

Chip: Aw.

Ransom: Now let me guess. Is the cookware in charge of your battalion?

Gadget's arm twitches involuntarily. Ransom backs up.

Dale (removing the pot:) The Ghastly Goat of Quiver Moor was here! It got
into a big fight with Carl! Come out into the kitchen!

Zipper awakens and flies inconspicuously onto Monty's shoulder. The Rangers
enter the kitchen and see large muddy footprints.

Chip: Oh, this is too easy.

Ransom: We'll do better to split into groups.

Chip, Dale, and Ransom (simultaneously:) I'll go with Gadget.

Gadget (thinking aloud:) Sometimes I think I'm missing something.

Ransom: Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

Monty: I'll just tag along.

Chip: Uh... now that we've split up, where will we go? The footprints only
lead one way.

Ransom: Er... we'll check for the Ghastly Goat of Quiver Moor.

Dale: Gotcha.

The groups separate. Chip and Dale grumble to each other.

Chip: Did you see the way he ogled her?

Dale: Yeah, he's really got a thing for her.

Chip: Should we make any more obviously hypocritical statements in an
attempt at inside humour?

Dale: Uh...

Chip: Forget it.

Cut to the other group. Zipper is still on Monty's shoulder, unnoticed.

Gadget: Did you know a Geegaw Hackwrench?

Ransom: Hm... Hack- why yes! I did! (laugh) That old fool!

Gadget: He-

Ransom: Called himself an inventor. Hah! He couldn't make toast! If mean
intelligence was a twenty-foot crocodile, he'd be a skink! Heh, heh! Good
old Geegaw Hackwrench. His kid was weird too. But enough about boring
mice... (puts his arm around her) So, as you Americans say, what's your

Gadget: My sign? "Property of the Hackwrench family, back off before I
spray freon down your shorts."

Ransom (smiling:) What's freon?

Gadget (coldly [groan]:) I'll show-

Monty: Ah, love, I think we'd better cool it.

Ransom: So why did you ask about that old-

Gadget (with soft malice:) He was my father.

Monty (with no such softness:) And my friend!

Ransom: Oh. (pause) When this is all over, how about a tour of the

Gadget: No thank you.

Ransom: It could be very sweet...

Gadget: Ransom, torque off.

Ransom: Aha! I knew it! You're Geegaw's kid!

Gadget (curbing frustration:) Once, when I was a little girl...

Ransom: Well, silly, you're a mouse-

Monty: Ole Geegaw told us about a pilot 'e knew in Scotland.

Ransom: Obviously you remember me from his stories of my aeronautic prowess.

Gadget: Well, actually, I never heard him call anyone a self-obsessed
falsely immortal raving feta-brained narcissist before.

Ransom: Stop, you're making me blush.

Sudden torrential barking.

Gadget: Hey, it's Carl! Hang on, we'll find you!

Monty: Behind this door, mates. Uh-oh, it's locked!

Ransom: Sort of a necessary evil when it comes to containing dogs,
you'll find.

Gadget: Ransom, if you-

Ransom (putting his hands on her shoulders:) Oh, goodness, dearest, I'm
sorry. Let's kiss and make up.

Ransom flies through the thick wooden door, leaving a perfect cookie cutout
in it.

Gadget: Sorry. I should really get that looked at.

The barking turns deadly fierce, and suddenly Carl the dog bursts through
the (weakened portion of the) door, snarling.

Monty: Easy there, Carl...

Gadget: Where's Ransom?

Voice (from inside Carl's mouth:) Gmb mmf urdmff hrr.

Cut to Chip and Dale.

Dale: You know, ever since the Marsquake, Mars has become a candy desert.

Chip: What?!

Dale: Oops. Sorry, Chipper, those advertisin' insert thingies are
real distracting.

Chip: Only to you. Hey, what's this?

They peek in through the broken door and see a gelatinous mass.

Dale: Earwax!

Chip: ewww. -no, marzipan brain, it's the Ghastly Goat of Quiver Moor!

Dale: I knew that.

Carl (bursting in:) Don't touch that suit!!

Dale: Didn't we have this same thing happen in #10-

Chip: RUN, stupid!

Chip and Dale don't get far before they are cornered.

Gadget: We're in some kind of room made from a hollowed-out stone.

Ransom: Yet the walls are clearly made of many small stones.

Gadget: What an engineering marvel.

Suddenly Chip and Dale are spit into the room.

Chip: eww.

Carl (looking at the ceiling:) I don't know how you survived, Ransom, but
you'll never get the money! I've hidden it well and the orphanage will
reopen when I return the funds swindled from it!

Ransom: I'm only trying to help you. Did you look at the money that was
there? About two hundred pounds! That'll keep it running for a good, oh,
week, without food!

Carl: Oh, as if your slush fund's a better plan.

Everybody glares at Ransom. He grimaces. Carl slams the door.

Chip (magically clean and dry:) We've gotta get out of here and... uh...
stop Carl from... doing what we wanted done in the first place. You know,
I suppose we don't really have to get out of here after all. I could enjoy
it here. Some paint, vertical blinds...

Gadget: Chip, this room is airtight.

Chip: My God, we have to stop that demented maniac right away!

Gadget: Hm. Maybe we could look for trap doors in the floor...

The Rangers begin searching. Chip has an idea. He edges up to Ransom.

Chip: You know, it's amazing. Never seen her act the way she does around
anyone but you. Boy, I'm jealous. In fact, one more little push and I think
she'll hop into your arms and confiscate your lips permanently.

Ransom, grinning, approaches Gadget, who is sniffing for fresh air.

Gadget: Hey, Ransom. I'm kinda busy right-

Ransom: I know how desperately you long for me.

Carl is just at the end of the hall when he hears a dull thud. He runs
back down the hall to see the secret stone door blown into the hall,
Ransom's nose embedded in the rock.

Gadget (remorsefully:) I can't go on like this. What if someone dies? 

Chip: Yep, I knew it would work.

Gadget: You planned that.

Chip (smiling:) Of course.

Carl is about to spring upon them when Chip collides with his head. Both
fall to the floor.

Gadget (with no sincerity:) Sorry. Reflex.

Monty: Run for it, mates!

The rodents (those still mobile) race past the still-groggy Carl, all
stepping on Ransom. Monty picks up Chip and they duck around the corner.

Dale (panting:) Waitaminnit, where's Ransom?

Carl menaces over Ransom with an unhealthy gleam in his teeth.

Ransom: Don't eat me! I could have exceptional children someday!

The Rangers are paralyzed. Suddenly Zipper, who really was still on Monty's 
shoulder, springs up, trumpets, and dives to Ransom's rescue. He grabs Carl 
by a whisker and pulls, incapacitating him. He zings in one of Carl's ears 
and zips out the other. He punches Carl's nose savagely, flaps in his eyes, 
yanks his jowls, and turns his ears inside out.

Carl (gasping:) I give up! I give up! Just get him off me! I surrender!
He's too much for me!!

Carl whimpers in the corner. Zipper snorts at him to make darn sure he
remembers it, and Carl cringes at the sight. Zipper flies right in front of
the Rangers, lights gently upon the floor, and stands proudly at attention.

Chip: Oh. That works, I guess. Let's go.

Zipper makes a face.

Before anyone can move, fast-moving footsteps rush on the door, and in
bursts a scrawny, vile-looking man in a tuxedo. (No, not Usagi's guy.)

Ransom: Oh, no, it's-

Carl: Lord Nevermore! My falsely dead master! The one I was trying to hide
the money from! The reason for most of my mental instability! Well, that and
my mother... she always used to dress me in-

Nevermore: Ha ha haaa! Rodents, eh? Well, you'll never stop me in my plan to
escape with the orphanage's money! I know what you'd say if you were
sentient human beings-

Everyone else boos and hisses.

Nevermore: You'd try to trick me, saying, "look behind you!" Well, that's
the oldest trick in the book. But-! The second-oldest trick in the book is
saying that so I'll think it's the oldest trick in the book and ambushing me
from behind! So that brings us to the third-

Nevermore is hit in the head from behind, with a drawing table. He falls flat.
A large shirtless person in a mask ambles in behind him, with an expression
of concern.

Masked person: Whoops. Pardon me. 

Chip: Who are you?

Masked person: Oh, hey there. I'm El Macho, the Masked Wrestler. I'm also
this comic's part-time script girl.

Gadget (eyeing the mass of hair:) They've certainly made strides in equal
hiring policy.

El Macho: Anyway, I got some bad news. Series is cancelled.

Chip: wha?

El: Don't take it personally. Disney Comics is implod- ah, restructuring.

Dale: Help! I don't wanna be restructured!

Chip: You can't do this! We were assured! Promised! Somebody wrote it down
on something!

Monty: Gadget, how can you smile at a time like this?

Gadget (shaking:) Nobody... is going to... screw up my character...

Gadget bursts into sick laughter.

Monty: Uh... luv?

Chip: But who wins?!

El: Well, Carl and Ransom give the money to the orphanage.

Dale: Uh-huh?

El: And the stuff in Lord Nevermore's will gets carried through, even
though he's been discovered alive.

Monty: Uh-huh?

El: And Carl stays at the orphanage with the kids.

Monty starts shaking Gadget, who begins to calm down.

El: And the orphanage mistress plays the lottery with the two hundred
pounds and wins the jackpot, becomes a philanthropist, and starts her own
world-renouned line of surge protection equipment.

Chip: Get past the obvious parts!

El: And Gadg over there gives Ransom a big honkin' kiss.

Ransom's lip trembles for a moment before he runs screaming. Gadget simply
keels over.

Chip: That's IT?!

El: Yeah, that's about it. Oh, Scott sends his love. Last paychecks
mail tomorrow. Been swell knowin' ya! C'mon, Drool, help me carry this out.

El Macho leaves. Muttering faintly, everyone wanders off, except for Chip.

Chip: Well, gosh... I'm sure gonna miss this comic.